Bear Defence - BAD ADVICE ONLY

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pescador

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Ok guys,

after reading hundreds of "bear defence" threads over the years and listening to poor advice given at the gun counter lets start a thread of some of the worst ideas, advice, or stories you've ever heard on the subject of bear defence

RULES:

- Wrong answers only please
- this is purely for comedic value
- you can give specific examples of someones bad advice or makeup something that some one might hear in a "Bear defence" forum


WARNING - if you take any of these examples seriously and try them in the field you will surely die, and its not our fault.
 
Spray yourself with pepper spray as a last-ditch effort to shoo them off before they take a bite. Especially good if you've already fired a shotshell or two with rock salt, that way they can enjoy a nicely seasoned meal.
 
i was selling hunting and fishing trips in Denver, colorado to American clients. American guy walks up to a booth next to ours and asks the other canadian outfitter if he carried a hand gun for "grizzly bear defence".. outfitter looks at the guy and says "yeah i have a .44mag revolver i carry with the front sight shaved off smooth. american guys face was all confused and asks "why would you do that? Outfitter says with a straight face "so when the bear shoves it up my a$$ it will hurt less"... the American guy was not too pleased with the response. i think he was hoping for some serious wisdom about to be dropped on him...
 
A little known fact about bears is that they can sense feminism. The best way to avoid being attacked by a bear in the woods is to wear women's panties. This will confuse the bear as it will not be able to distinguish your gender pronouns. Use this to either run away, or harvest the bear.
 
Most bear attacks occur because the bear sees a firearm and feels threatened. If a bear charges you and you have your rifle, just set it on the ground so the bear knows you don't mean any harm.
 
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Had a guy I know ask about an antique pistol for bear defence....a 32 rim fire. I told him it would be a great idea as he would only need one bullet. He couldn’t believe that one shot from a 32 rim fire would stop a bear. I told him it was to shoot himself, and avoid the pain that would be coming.
 
Hi this is Darwin, as bears are religious and vegans, rubbing bacon on your body or wearing a bacon suit will disgust and repel them, therefore bear spray, bells, and firearms have been rendered obsolete.

 
Climb the nearest tree... bears can't climb... then pull up a youtube video of the Red Hot Chillipepper's and throw your phone at the bear... if that doesn't work, begin removing articles of clothing and throwing them at the bear to increase the human scent in the area... once you are naked, urinate and defecate out of the tree, try to arc it so that it hits the bear.... your bowels should be pretty loose at this point, so you should be able to get significant arc from the front and back.
 
The infamous story of the German tourists who showed up at the Crowsnest hospital suffering from bear spray exposure. Being good conscientious tourists, each of them had a can with him, so on seeing a a bear, they sprayed each other thoroughly. :)

Then there were the Hare Krishna wannabees who were arrested in Banff for entering an area closed because of a dangerous bear. The were going to over come him with Love. :)

Grizz
 
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