Wiped ass with birchbark...hoop still sore...

Some buddies forgot toilet paper on a two day float trip down the red deer river. Good thing they had an extra loaf of bread in the cooler....
 
I remember ducking hunting as a teeneager. I had my chest waders on and before light I had to go. I left the blind and went back in the woods and dropped my waders and pants and had a big dump. Wiped with TP I had and pulled up everything and went back to the blind. A few minutes later it smelled like **** in the blind. When it got light I realized I **** inside my chest waders.
 
A fellow I know had to drop his coveralls to have a dump. He told me as he got in position he had to let out a blast of air. He said when he did so he thought he ripped has a... hole. He said he never felt such pain and burning and it just kept happening. Then he found out he was right over a ground nesting wasp nest and they were hitting the bullseye.
 
buddy of mine was ice fishing and had to pinch one off.left the hut,walked to shore and found a nice little area out of the wind,unzipped his one piece snowsuit w/hood and hunkered down for the inevitable.after a couple of deep breaths its all over.wipes up carefully and zips up and starts walking back to the hut.the wind starts to bite a bit so he flips his hood up.big mistake.big bad smell plus wet sensation on the back of his head and neck equals the realization that he had loaded the hood while in the squatting position.I'm guessing this has happened more than once....but not to him.
 
Oh $hit... Still laughing....

Anyway, socks are the way to go. If you cut them you can get 12 wipes or so.

In the case of only having 1 piece of paper left...you cut a hole in the middle, put it over your middle finger and stick it in there. Rotate and yer clean. You use the hole you cut out for under your finger nail.

Baby wipes are king. Just keep em in jacket in under 0 weather....

Still snickering....
 
I once had to use a gun cleaning rag that had been freshly sprayed with rem oil not 5 minutes before those Jalapenos caught up with me.
 
Worst result I know about came from someone taking a dump when they had no TP in the Shuswap about 40 years ago.
I knew the guy too....ended up with a 3-day stint in the Hospital.

He did his thing, and grabbed a handful of "handy" green leaves to wipe with.
Repeated a couple of times.

Poison Ivy!!

Between his hands and his arse, he was in some discomfort for a while.
Bring TP or Baby wipes....always!!

Eagleye.
 
Take a TP roll with 1/2 left on it. Press it flat, put in ziplock bag, press flat and zip shut. Place in field vest or pack.

This is the first thing that they teach you in geology field school.
 
Have had to use some nice moss once to wipe with after following some moose tracks for awhile up a good sized ridge. But I've been camping for a long enough period of time to know that baby wipes are worth their weight in gold after a few too many days without a shower!
 
Having three kids has instilled in me the the value of having ~non scented~ diaper wipes around at all times, just saying. :D

Note: Diaper wipes...NOT kitchen wipes, lol.
 
The rifle barrel makes for a good place to place yer wipers too.
And you never know when you need yer rifle........right?
Always good to be ready...........aye?
 
A friend of mine years ago was a slow learner. It took him about 3 seasons and a dozen pairs of long johns before he would remeber the TP. At first we all wondered why he had long johns that didn't go below his calves and then one night he came clean about needing the bottom six inches to clean up. He also once shot a deer while in a crouch.
 
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