I won't lie, the SEMI & pump action they had for our course scared me s**tless, (i'd literally jump each time i'd check the chambers & path to PROVE it) and weighed a tone. I don't have the strongest wrists so I'd have the hardest time keeping the gun steady if its too heavy.
I was also put under the impression that shotguns are pretty big in the recoil department... is there one that wouldnt be as bad as the 12g and still be efficient? I dont want to have to worry about falling on my arse while I'm shooting
This statement right here has me somewhat worried about your confidence in your firearm handling skills. If you are literally afraid of the gun itself, what is going to happen if you actually have to use it in a SHTF situation? You need to be very comfortable with your firearm to be able to use it in a situation like having a bear 10 feet from the front door. I would suggest you need to find some buddies who have larger collections and get more hands on time with a variety of firearms to make yourself more comfortable and familiar with their safe handling. Some live fire to try out some different actions and chamberings would help your decision process.
As to choice of firearm, a pump action shotgun with interchangeable barrels is pretty much the most versatile choice you could make. You can use a longer, smoothbore barrel for shooting shotshells for birds and small game, then swap to a shorter barrel (rifled or not) for firing slugs for bear protection and hunting. While a 12 gauge is good, it sounds like a 20 gauge would be a better fit for you, it will be slightly lighter and with somewhat less recoil. A 12 gauge will not land you on your butt, but can be hard on the shoulder. With modern loads, a 20 gauge slug is more than capable of taking down a black bear, provided you do your part to place it somewhere vital.
A lever action .30-30 is a handy, lightweight, light recoiling choice that will work for hunting big game at moderate ranges and will work very well for a handy bear defense rifle as well. it isn't as versatile as a pump shotgun though.
A bolt action will be slower as a bear defense rifle, but is excellent for hunting big game as well. It also is not as versatile.
Whatever gun you end up buying, you need to take the time to become very familiar wth it so you do not have to think about where the safety is, action release, how to load it, unload it and cycle it etc. You also need to take it out and shoot it to know what to expect and to be sure it will hit where you aim and that you are prepared for using it. A gun itself will not solve your bear problems, it is how you use it that will make the difference.