Dumbest things ever said in court?

Winchester_II

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* Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
* Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
* What happened then?
He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Did he kill you?attorney in jest
* Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
* The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
* Were you alone or by yourself?
* What is the meaning of sperm being present?
It indicates intercourse.
Male sperm?
That is the only kind I know.
* Can you describe the individual?
He was about medium height and had a beard.
Was this a male or female?
* How long have you been a French Canadian?
* How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?
* Mr. Clark, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
I went to Europe, sir.
And did you take your new wife?
* Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
* I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
That's me.
Were you present when that picture was taken?
* Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
* Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
By death.
And by whose death was it terminated?
* Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
I'll be three months on November 8.
Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
Yes.
What were you doing at that time?
* Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
I used to be.
How many times have you committed suicide?
* So you were gone until you returned?
* She had three children, right?
Yes.
How many were boys?
None.
Were there girls?
* You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
* You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Yes.
And these stairs, did they go up also?
* Have you lived in this town all your life?
Not yet.
* All you responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
Oral.
* Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Yes, I have been since early childhood.
* Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Brown?
It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
And Mr. Brown was dead at the time, is that correct?
No. He was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
 
Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Brown?
It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
And Mr. Brown was dead at the time, is that correct?
No. He was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
Laugh2
 
◦Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
◦Witness: "No."
◦Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
◦Witness: "No."
◦Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
◦Witness: "No."
◦Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
◦Witness: "No."
◦Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
◦Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
◦Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
◦Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

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◦Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
◦Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

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◦Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
◦Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
◦Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
◦Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
◦Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
◦Witness: "No."


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◦Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
◦Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."

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◦Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
◦Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

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Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
 
"Doctor, can you give me your impression of Mr Stryker?"

"No, I don't do impressions - my field is Psychiatry"

"Of course."
 
Here's a real one, I have the transcirpts (somewhere) to prove it...

(lawyer is discussing post-arrest events with suspect, who had already been Mirandized)

Lawyer - "Why didn't you tell Police (what you just told me) after they arrested you ?"

f:P:2:

* Judge called a re-trial... He warned the prosecutor the next one would be a mis-trial.
 
I was suppoena'd to court when i was a teen once and the guy we testified against, some older creep who hung out with us that we didn't like but kept around because he would buy us booze and smokes. It was some garbage about him being a goof and hanging out with us one night in the park and he was destroying some park property.

Judge asked him..."Have you ever lied in your life?"
Him... "No mam, never."
Judge kind of stunned "So you've never told a lie in your life?"
Him again..."No mam, Not before today"
Judge" So you're saying your lying to us right now?"
Him ...Silence....turns bright red. Doesn't even answer.

He was not a bright cookie and was definately the DULLEST tool in the shed.
 
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