Take a neck-sized case and with a dremel tool, cut a slit in one one side of the neck and then the other, the full length of where the bullet will sit in the neck. Push a bullet part way into the neck of the case and gently chamber it. Gently eject the case and measure. I would do this a few times to obtain a consistent number. This length is your "soft jam" or "kissing the lands"
I just saw an article on this last week but can't for the life of me remember wher I saw it. I should have bookmarked it.