Bear Defence - BAD ADVICE ONLY

You will never have the time to aim and shoot a charging bear. So don't bother taking a firearm with you.
and, black bears are never aggressive.
 
The best bear defense technique is the rarely known burger necklace. Lace together 6 burgers to wear around your neck and move up to it as close as you can while singing in your best kumbaya voice. You will become friends. Works best with cubs around. 100% guaranteed you will become part of them.
One must be dedicated and always keep this in your pack. Fits well in place of bear spray if burgers stacked properly.
 
pescador said:
Ok guys,

after reading hundreds of "bear defence" threads over the years and listening to poor advice given at the gun counter lets start a thread of some of the worst ideas, advice, or stories you've ever heard on the subject of bear defence

RULES:

- Wrong answers only please
- this is purely for comedic value
- you can give specific examples of someones bad advice or makeup something that some one might hear in a "Bear defence" forum


WARNING - if you take any of these examples seriously and try them in the field you will surely die, and its not our fault.
Click to expand...


Run faster than your buddy, and if you can't trip them first.
 
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True story. IN 1974 I was principal of Grande Cache Jr-Sr High school where we had a great outdoor ed program for Grade 7s with a campsite we scouted on the Smoky River. Sent two green teachers and about 20 kids with borrowed forestry tents and all their gear. Before setting up camp, they dropped the gear and went exploring for an hour ...came back to find two griz tearing stuff apart. Fortunately no one was injured and the trip was cut short. But, it was too good a program to scrub so I called the local F &W guy for advice. Should we send a gun with staff? Nope, send an axe. But the teachers would surely be killed ...yes, but time for the kids to get away.
 
Sometime the best defense in a carefully planned offence, so you should engage before being engaged with bare fist only. This will show the bear who is the boss. Then proceed to piss on him in order to claim him and you can ride it shirtless like Vlad.

For polar bears only: dose yourself in bear spray, they don’t like spicy food. But be careful to get it on every inch of your body and apply a double layer to all exposed skin and junction between clothing and skin. Don’t forget the eyes, polar bears will eat your eyes first to gain advantage.
 
Always blow an air horn when a Grizz sow with cubs retreats. This is the safest way to make sure they will never come back.
 
Cattle prod..because experts say you'll never geran accurate shot off and noone practices with pepper spray. So its CQB and a cattle prod is best defence ( unless in the US then any contact C.E.W will do)
 
My Outdoor Ed Teacher in Jr. High told us that "If you ever encounter an aggressive bear while fishing, snap it on the nose with the end of your fishing rod". To this day, I'm not sure if he was being sarcastic, if he was off his meds, or if he was just a f'n idiot.
 
Only travel by boat in bear country.
And never get outta the boat, man. Absolutely, g'dmm right. Unless you're going all the way.
 
When your camping and go out for i hike leave a piping hot stew on the camp fire .bear will come in taste the food and will burn its tongue.it will have no taste buds left and wont eat you when its mauling you
NOTE: only works once as the bear wont do it a second time or your dead
 
When in grizzly country I find making a ring of hot dogs around the camp site will distract the bears long enough you'll be able to escape
 
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